Alan Payling takes a light-hearted look at a serious issue that many drivers may have been sitting on for far too long, and often brought on by a bad habit when behind the wheel
There have been occasions when, having finished a day behind the wheel, I have had a real pain in the bum. It’s important to note that this wasn’t because of the job. After all, we all love working in this industry, don’t we? Yes? Of course we do. Good to hear it. So it wasn’t one of the many trials and tribulations that coach and bus drivers have to deal with on a daily basis that had caused or was causing the pain. No, this was an actual pain, a physical issue. And to be very clear and to be very precise about the location of the pain, I am talking here about a pain in one of my buttocks, namely my right one. Now if you’re reading this while you’re eating your breakfast, then please accept my apologies. I do accept that this was probably not a thought you wanted to entertain while you are eating your Rice Krispies. But you never know, this could be an article that sorts out your own pain in the bum. And if you haven’t got a pain there yet, this could help you avoid the pain and discomfort.
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Having experienced this particular muscle pain, and as it was only causing me grief in one of my buttocks, I decided to investigate what might be the cause. In order to come up with a diagnosis myself, and speaking as a registered and certified hypochondriac, I of course clicked on Google. This course of action clearly has its risks. As we know, the internet is the modern day fountain-head of all knowledge in the known universe which appears to come from many parallel universes as well. But the internet can answer any question almost without fail. The only problem is is that to get something on the internet, you don’t actually need to have any training, qualifications or experience in the subjects you want to sound off about. So users have to exercise a bit of caution. Also, because it turned out the cause of my sore rear end was not an uncommon complaint, the number of answers to my query ran into the infinite. No worries. If you have time on your hands, then you can enjoy the weird and the wonderful as well as find out what actually ails you.
Taking a seat
Having got stuck into Google, it appears that pains in the bum and the associated agony in the lower back have their origins in two sources. One: if homo sapiens had stayed as quadrupeds instead of getting up on our hind legs, we would have greatly reduced if not eliminated the risk of back pain. Just in case you were thinking of reverting to this method of perambulation, be warned: you might get some very funny looks from your passengers. For those in the industry who already drag their knuckles on the ground, while you might graze your hands, you may well avoid the rigours of buttock and back pain. Lucky you.
The other issue we bipeds haven’t quite come to terms with is is that we sit down a lot: too much in fact. This is one of the contributory factors to the problem of single butt pain. You might think that given the scientific research that has gone into the development of the drivers’ seats that most people in the industry sit on all day long, that pains in the bum would be a thing of the past. Well, it depends what you are actually sitting on. You just might not be sitting correctly: as ever, there is a right way and a wrong way to sit if you want to avoid pain.
I say this is because my extensive research revealed that the body is quite a sophisticated machine. But like any piece of kit, it has to be used properly. If it is used incorrectly for long periods of time – think of your next two 4.5-hour driving spells with just a 45 minute break where you will probably be sat down in the self same seat – then it gets out of sync. In this case, it gets out of balance. So while your very expensive seat bounces you gently up and down over ruts, sleeping police officers and potholes, your body should still be placed squarely on the seat. If it isn’t, that’s when you can get a pain in the buttock and you start Googling questions like: ‘What is causing me pain in one buttock?’ The answer to my question, though it might have been obvious had I been a chiropractor, was surprising. It turns out that I was probably experiencing what some physiotherapists call ‘wallet-itis.’ No, this isn’t a condition brought on by the fact that you are tight – though I am. Rather, this is because however long your wallet spends in your rear right pocket, it is unlikely that during a spell of driving you normally remove it – unless someone gives you a tip, of course, then it will be out like a flash that travels faster than the speed of light. But just think about the contents of your wallet for a moment. There may be some cash in there given all the tips you’ve been receiving, even though your pain in the bum does make you feel a bit miserable. You will also no doubt have a collection of plastic in there as well. Credit cards and debit cards, almost certainly. If you buy your fuel at somewhere like Sainsbury’s, then you will also have a Nectar Card – lucky you. Then there will be your driving licence and driver’s card. Also, during a tour there will be receipts for parking, and so on. Getting to be quite a stiff lump isn’t it, about an inch thick, or more? And that is what could well be causing that tight pain in your right buttock which, coincidentally, is exactly where you sit on your wallet. A painful coincidence? Perhaps not. The condition might also be described as ‘creditcard-itis.’ This was highlighted in a short piece credited to the New York Times which said: “Although that term (creditcard-itis) never quite caught on, doctors say the condition has become increasingly common. Its onset is gradual, caused by an object that presses on the piriformis muscle in the buttocks, which is connected to the sciatic nerve, which runs down the leg. Over time, a person can develop radiating pain in the back and hip area.”
The author of the piece summed up the consequences for those who sit on their money in a very droll manner which I wish I’d thought up myself by saying: “The bottom line: Keeping a thick wallet or object in the back pocket can gradually cause sciatica.”
What to do?
When, having gone online yourself to see what a stiff wallet constantly pressing on your rear end can do your physiology, you might then wonder what you can do about it. For drivers, you’re obviously not going to be able to do your job standing up, not safely anyway. You could dispose of all that money in your wallet. If so, I am happy you let you have my bank details so that you can make a speedy online bank transfer if it helps you get rid of that pain in your butt. Yes, I know, I’m all heart. Assuming that that may not be the course of action you decide to take, you could always keep your wallet somewhere else, particularly when you’re driving: like in one of your front pockets. This apparently also reduces the risk of a pickpocket making you poorer. Or, you could always just take your wallet out of your back pocket when you’re driving. Whatever you do, you may conclude that this is the one time when having a wad of money truly is a pain in the backside.
For those of you who keep their wallet in their back pocket, there will be those who say that buttock pain is not a problem for them. Great. But that might well be because wallet-itis or creditcard-itis can develop slowly. So it could be that at some point in the future you find you have a pain in one buttock and are looking for a way to get some relief. Don’t worry: if your chosen method of pain relief is to forward a wodge of your cash to me, I don’t mind how long I have to wait. But for both parties, particularly me, it will be well worth the wait.
And I know this will sound like I’ve got a bit of a cheek, or two, but let me conclude by wishing you well here with a toast to your good health – bottoms up!
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