Alan Payling speaks to a few coach drivers who recall some of their most embarrassing moments while on tour
Have you ever had that dream where you find yourself naked in a public place? Well, I have, over the years, been quietly astonished but noisily amused to find that quite a few tour drivers, while staying in hotels, have actually been living the dream (or rather nightmare). Being a tour driver means that you always have to be on the ball when you’re looking after a group of people. But inevitably, the day will come when the best of drivers will drop a clanger and end up with a very red face. And sometimes, their cheeks will be bright red in the middle of the night as well.
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Thongs of praise
Sue Palmer recalled the time she was staying in a hotel that was badly in need of modernisation. That included the need to equip all the rooms with en suite facilities. As the driver, Sue was inevitably allocated one of the rooms that needed updating, and as a result, she had to share the bathroom and toilet facilities across the hall. They weren’t far from her room, it must be said, but in Sue’s case, she found out that the hard way that you do have to take care when you use such facilities, particularly in the middle of the night. That was when she woke up to discover that her bladder was none too happy and needed emptying. Had she been wide awake she might have done things differently. She might have realised that as she was only wearing underwear, and she should really have put some more clothes on before venturing out into the no woman’s land of the hotel’s hallway: hopefully it was going to be a no man’s land as well to save her blushes. But she didn’t. If she had been wide awake, she might have taken her key with her. But she didn’t. After all, underwear doesn’t come with pockets, and even though she wasn’t expecting to run into anyone in the hallway, just in case she did, to protect her modesty, she was going to have her hands full. So, her key stayed in her room. When she ventured out into the hall, she thought she’d put the lock on the latch. Well, you know what thought can do in the middle of the night. As the self closing fire door to her room slowly but imperceptibly closed behind her, given that it was the middle of the night, the click that the lock made as it closed and locked behind her was deafening and finally woke her up. I will leave it to your imagination what Sue said when she realised what had happened. After the cursing had subsided – that took a while – her bladder was still in need of a call of nature. So, while she was spending a penny, she sat and had a think about what she should do. There was really only one course of action open to her.
You will have to picture the scene. You are a night porter and there is a pounding on your door in the middle of the night. You’re not in a great mood or even fully awake when you open the door. When you do, you’re confronted with a coach driver who it appears is trying desperately to keep her hands warm. You don’t know where to look, but you are indeed now wide awake. The lady in front of you introduces herself in a cheery voice: ‘Hello, I’m Sue, the coach driver.’ Being a polite chap, and still having trouble speaking, you hold out your hand and somehow manage to introduce yourself. In the circumstances, the lady coach driver declines to shake your hand. After all, it is cold in the corridor and she really doesn’t want to give you the wrong impression. She then explains what’s happened, tells you which room she’s in and asks to be let back into her room. Please. You get the key to her room and at the foot of the stairs which lead to her room, as you are a gentleman, you say: ‘Ladies first.’ On this occasion, Sue declines. She is of the view that you have seen quite enough, thank you very much, for one night, and that going up the stairs first is not on her agenda – in the circumstances. So she follows you up the stairs and expresses her heartfelt thanks for your trouble, and then makes sure that during the rest of her stay, she does not bother you again…
You need hands
A male tour driver had a similar experience. It was New Year’s Eve and Neil from the north west had joined in with the celebrations in the hotel. In the middle of the night he too had an irritable bladder that was demanding to be emptied. In his case, he had en suite facilities in his room. But again, the couple of glasses of beer that he’d drunk and the fact he was half asleep meant that he didn’t think things through as thoroughly as he should have.
Unlike Sue, he wasn’t in his underwear. Not even a Y-Front adorned his manly physique. After all, why would he need to put any clothing on to use the en suite facilities? So, up he got, walked up to and through the door to the toilet. When he walked through the door, it took a few moments for his slightly befuddled brain to take in what was happening. He didn’t quite recognise the en suite – at all. It looked very odd. It appeared to be about 30 feet long, six foot or so wide and had an awful lot of doors going off it. By the time he realised where he was and what he’d done, he too heard the magic click of his hotel door closing and locking shut behind him. There were two doors in his hotel room. The door to the en suite facilities and the toilet and the door to the hotel corridor. That’s right, he was in the corridor having marched in a sleepy stupor through the wrong door. Of course, he didn’t have a key with him. In fact, he didn’t have anything with him – not a stitch. The only thing you could possibly say that he had with him was his dignity, but that was going to take quite a knock too. And it was worse for him because, unlike Sue, his bladder was still grizzling and he didn’t have the foggiest idea where there was a toilet he could use to solve at least one of his immediate problems. Well, he did know where there was a toilet, as it happens. The problem for him was that it was behind the locked hotel room that he was cursing and kicking with some enthusiasm. That didn’t work. So there was only one course of action open to him. That was to march down into the hotel’s reception with, as he said, his crown jewels in his hands, to ask the night porter to let him back into his room.
Captain Marbles
Craig Burrows has spent a lot of his working life in Torquay. As a result, he’s got to know a few pubs in the town where he enjoys a drink the night before he has his rest day in resort. When he was staying at the Abbey Court Hotel a while ago, his room didn’t have en suite facilities. So, when his bladder wanted to be relieved of the couple of pints he’d drunk, he had to leave his room to go across the hotel corridor to the toilet. As it wasn’t far, Craig didn’t bother to put any clothes on or to take his room key with him. The only thing he took with him was the birthday suit he stood up in. He too thought that he’d put the lock on the door to his room on the latch. Again, you know what thought did. He hadn’t. So again, the door to his room locked firmly behind him. Standing in the hotel corridor at 2.30 in the morning, stark naked, there was only one thing for it; he would have to wake the hotel’s owner up to let him back into his room. When Craig thought about this, he realised that he would have to cover himself up somehow so he didn’t shock the hotel’s owner too much, particularly if it was the owner’s wife who answered the door. So, on his way to the owner’s room, Craig picked up a leaflet from the display of publicity material in the hall and placed it strategically to protect his modesty.
Again, imagine the scene. You’re the owner of a hotel and there is someone thumping on your door in the wee small hours of the morning. Half asleep, you open your door to find the friendly coach driver who is staying at your hotel standing in front of you with a big silly grin on his face. He appears to be stark naked, apart from what looks uncannily like a leaflet he’s holding in front of his nether regions. You think you’re dreaming. You’re not. You’re awake, only just, but awake, and what you see still looks like something out of a really surreal dream. When you realise you’re awake you look closer, and you see to your utter amazement that Craig is not only stark naked but he’s actually holding a leaflet just below his waist covering his private parts. The leaflet? It was for the House of Marbles!
For those of you who are not familiar with the House of Marbles, it’s the place near Bovey Tracey that amongst many other glass products, makes those glass balls that so many of us used to play with when we were younger – some still do, apparently. They come in a variety of sizes and colours. I am still talking about marbles – please concentrate. The House of Marbles, thankfully, also prints big leaflets. The moral of Craig’s tale then is that if you find yourself running around a hotel in Torbay in the buff in the middle of the night, pick your leaflets carefully: and for goodness sake, don’t try to cover yourself with a leaflet from the Miniature Pony Centre. You’ll never live it down because when it comes to leaflets, size really does matter. If that’s an issue for any drivers, then the next time they’re wandering round a hotel in Newquay au naturel, then keep your eyes peeled for a leaflet for the Shire Horse Farm in Camborne – that should cover it.
A brief encounter for an undie-cover driver
Dave Bevan had an embarrassing encounter with some ladies underwear a while ago. No, he wasn’t wearing it. He came close, but not that close. He was in Plymouth on a day excursion from Torquay. He dropped his passengers off and then went into the city centre to do a bit of shopping with his wife, Sally. Now Dave isn’t the biggest fan of shopping, but one part of the retail experience that he finds particularly uncomfortable is visiting the ladies’ section of stores when he’s out shopping with his wife. So, when Dave found himself visiting the lingerie section in Marks & Spencer he was experiencing some discomfort. Being a bit of a comedian – well, he is a coach driver – Dave thought of a way to make light of the ordeal. This involved Dave picking up the briefest set of ladies underwear that he could find – black, as you ask – which he then held up in front of him and when he attracted the attention of his wife said in a loud voice: ‘Do you think these will suit me, love?’ His wife wasn’t amused and walked off feeling a bit embarrassed by Dave’s antics. Unfortunately, it wasn’t just his wife whose attention he’d grabbed. Luckily, it wasn’t the store’s security officer or the police who wanted to take down Dave’s particulars; no, it was much worse than that. Much worse. Who else but two of his female passengers saw Dave standing there with a lovely set of ladies underwear in front of him who then alerted him to their presence by saying loudly; ‘Hello Dave.’ That was bad enough for Dave’s pride. Unfortunately, the two passengers who’d caught Dave in the smalls just couldn’t resist telling absolutely everyone else on his coach what he’d been up to. Actually, it didn’t do Dave any harm though as his passengers had a good laugh about it and shared a few wise cracks with him for the rest of the week. The remarks were along the lines of: ‘Hope they fitted you’ and ‘can we have a viewing?’
Dave has decided that when it comes to humour, lightning does not strike in the same place twice. Since the above incident, Dave has never gone anywhere near the ladies underwear department of any shop, anywhere, full stop. When his wife wants to go there, that is a place Dave fears to tread and she goes alone. After all, you could get a bit of a bad name for that sort of thing!
Warning!
If you’re a coach driver that has that dream where you’re walking about a hotel stark naked, your worst nightmare might just come true one day. Even if you think you’ve got it, please don’t flaunt it, even in the middle of the night. So never ever go out of your room without a key; and whatever you do, unless you’re a female tour driver, don’t go anywhere near the ladies underwear department when you’re out shopping. Drivers, you’ve been warned! Enjoy your next tour then – and try not to get arrested.
I would like to thank the tour drivers featured in this article who’ve had the courage to share their embarrassing moments with the magazine’s readers. You weren’t the only ones. There are a few other drivers out there who have had similar experiences. You are not alone. But you will be if you don’t take your key!
