Alan Payling considers, in a light hearted way, some of the differences between a German coach holiday and a tour on an English coach
Coach holidays for some are fairly leisurely affairs. This definitely includes the English. In the main, they’re relaxed occasions where there’s no urgency to life – but initially, you have to get to the resort fairly quickly. The first day of a tour can therefore feel like a bit of a rush as the driver gathers up all the passengers and then has to keep to a tight(ish) schedule while travelling to the group’s ultimate destination. Perish the thought that the coach party arrive at the hotel so late that the passengers have to go straight into the dining room for their evening meal.
The English
On the first day in resort, things wind down a bit – quite a lot in fact. They certainly do if you’re on an English coach tour. You see this particularly when everyone is getting on the coach for the first excursion. This is usually the pattern for all the other outings too. When they first arrive at the hotel, while telling them about the following day’s outing, the coach driver will have said to the passengers something along the lines of: ‘We’ll get going at about 0930hrs in the morning.’ In the minds of English coach passengers, the word ‘about’ and ‘0930hrs’ are interpreted very loosely; more a rough guide than a precise starting time. To some it means on the dot, but they are few and far between. There’s always one – mainly the oddballs who don’t understand what it’s like to go on a coach holiday with English people.
To most, it’s a very vague term that means they are expected to amble, shuffle, stroll, limp or dawdle out of the hotel in the general direction of the coach so that sometime between 0930 and 1000hrs, the coach will actually get going. The delays start when the passenger who is about to board the coach and has one foot on the coach’s step suddenly remembers that they can’t remember where the coach is going. ‘Where are we going driver?’ When the driver patiently reminds them of the day’s destination(s), the passenger will suddenly remember the time when they first visited that particular place way back in 1964. They then proceed to tell the driver all about it, completely oblivious to the passengers they’re preventing from getting on the coach. Never mind, everyone’s on holiday. The passengers who are waiting to get on board are probably chatting about the previous night’s entertainment in the hotel or commenting on the weather, so there’s no rush. Well, not unless it’s actually pouring down or they’re at a hotel right on the front and are being blown about if a gale is sweeping in from the west. Whatever you do, don’t leave your passengers out in the rain too long. The drivers themselves don’t help speed things up. They will be asking everyone if everything is all right in the hotel, and if it isn’t, s/he will hear all about it, chapter and verse. If it is, they will still hear about it in some detail. Somehow, everyone eventually gets on the coach.
By subscribing you will benefit from:
- Operator & Supplier Profiles
- Face-to-Face Interviews
- Lastest News
- Test Drives and Reviews
- Legal Updates
- Route Focus
- Industry Insider Opinions
- Passenger Perspective
- Vehicle Launches
- and much more!
Just as the driver is about to have a head count, for sure, someone will come tearing down the aisle distraught that they have forgotten either their pills, their jumper, their coat or their husband and must go back into the hotel to retrieve it because they can’t possibly get through the day without whatever they’ve forgotten. Then, while the driver is finally counting heads, s/he notices some empty seats. There is then a long debate as to who was sitting in those seats and why they aren’t there. Occasionally, a passenger will remember the message they were supposed to pass to the driver from the missing passengers that they’re going to visit relatives for the day. If the passengers are still ‘lost,’ sometimes this prompts the driver to go back into the hotel just to check that the missing persons aren’t in fact planning on coming out for the day and, if they haven’t actually been seen, that they’re still in the land of the living. However, they’re on holiday aren’t they, they’re all in it together and if someone has forgotten the same sort of tablets that they, their sister, their grandfather or their late husband is or was taking, well, that will keep the jolly throng nattering happily away for hours. In fact, that will the best part of the holiday for some of the group: the chance to sympathise with a fellow sufferer.
Finally, the driver is ready to get the show on the road. However, some interpret this literally. For the gregarious driver, this really is show time given the captive audience in front of them. Their performances take various forms. Some drivers use this time to actually tell everyone where they’re going. That’s novel. Some don’t bother as most forget anyway. Sometimes the lucky passengers get to listen to a few of the driver’s favourite jokes. For passengers who travel regularly with the same driver, they soon learn that the old ones are the best ones – and boy, are some of them old. The really lucky group will be treated to a sing song: ‘Come fly with me’ is a big favourite. And yes, the driver always, but always, does it his or her way! I have even seen drivers persuade their passengers to participate in a static session of calisthenics. Everyone waves their arms about for a few minutes but it does wake them up – for a bit. Eventually, at long last, finally, the coach gets going. Listening to the group chattering away, most don’t even notice the vehicle is actually moving when they finally depart about 1015hrs. All I can say here is that it’s a good job those running coach tours don’t have to comply with the same timekeeping rules as service bus operators to keep their O-licence: if they did, there would be massive queues of coach operators waiting to see the traffic commissioners.
The coach is not out for long. Looking at the length of time it’s going to be out for, you wonder if it was worth all the effort. Many go out for what is laughably called a ‘half day.’ What this means is that they will drive for about half an hour to Brixham say, stop for an hour and a half and then get back to the hotel for lunchtime. Job done. I make that about three hours, tops. I’m surprised that no one complains about what a half day actually means. A full day is not that much longer. This involves perhaps two stops for a bite to eat and a chance to do a bit of shopping. The drivers are generally worried that they shouldn’t get back to the hotel too late. Too late would be about 1630hrs. After all, if it was a full day, the driver is mindful that the passengers would be absolutely exhausted having consumed a cream tea and enjoyed an hour’s shopping at Trago Mills.
The Germans
The Germans do things very differently. We get quite a few continental coach parties in Torquay. Most of the French coach parties are language students who seem to spend most of their time in England blocking the pavements. This means that the first English lesson they receive is what the Anglo Saxon is for: ‘Excuse me, but would you mind awfully if I could get past, please.’ We get a few Dutch coaches and a few parties of Americans, Australians and New Zealanders doing 16-day tours of the UK. They are usually here today and gone tomorrow unless the driver has to have a day off. By far the largest group from the continent are the Germans.
One of the major reasons for Germans visiting the South West of England is because of the films that have been made of British writer Rosamund Pilcher’s books and stories for German TV. Over 100 such films have been made for the German TV station, ZDF; and they are very popular with millions who tune in to see the latest production. The England they portray is a place where everyone wears Barbours and tweeds, drive Morris Travellers, Land Rovers and Rollers, live in thatched cottages or country piles and all have springer spaniels or black labradors. Have a look on YouTube. The Germans must be really disappointed when they get here if they think England is really like that. The Rosamund Pilcher films were actually filmed in locations throughout the West Country, but they are supposed to portray Cornwall so that is where the Germans head for. Think coach tours to the Granada studios to visit the set of Coronation Street and you get an idea of what’s going on here – and the Germans make the most of it by starting early. While the English are still thinking about their cup of tea in bed at 0700hrs, the Germans are down in the dining room enjoying their breakfast. Departure is at 0800hrs. When the ‘gruppenfurher’ (group leader) says that the coach leaves at 0800hrs, it will leave at 0800hrs sharp – on the dot – and no messing about. So if you’re on a German coach holiday and you forget your jumper, either freeze or say ‘auf wiedersehen’ (good bye) as the coach sets off bang on time without you. They leave early because there is a long day ahead of them. The furthest that most English coaches travel from Torquay is down to the Eden Project and that would be a very full day. One destination, one stop and then home. The Germans have other ideas about making full use of their time while they’re here.
Many German groups travel by coach direct from Germany. A fair number of groups fly in and are met at Heathrow by coaches provided by English operators. A typical itinerary for the latter groups is something like this. Be warned though, just reading it is exhausting.
Typical German group itinerary:
- Day 1
Members of the group fly into Heathrow from various parts of Germany and assemble at a hotel near the airport. - Day 2
The group has an 0800hrs start and visit the sights of London until 1300hrs. when they head of to Windsor until 1700hrs, when they head back to their Heathrow hotel. - Day 3
The group is up bright and early with the first port of call being Stonehenge. At 1230hrs they head off to Salisbury, leaving there at 1530hrs to make for their hotel in Torquay. - Day 4
Heading off at 0800hrs sharp, the Germans trek all the way down to St. Michaels Mount at Penzance, followed by a cream tea in St Ives. At 1700hrs, they leave St Ives for the drive back to Torquay. - Day 5
Another long trek down to Land’s End, the Minack Theatre at Portcurno taking in Lanhydrock House and Garden House at Bodmin, a National Trust property.
Do you want to take a breather? I know I do. I’m cream crackered just writing this. - Day 6
Just in case you were wondering: ‘What about the driver?’ Yes, today the driver gets a day off. The German don’t. Oh no. Yet again, at 0800hrs sharp, with a relief driver at the wheel, they head off to Clovelly and Tintagel way down into Cornwall. - Day 7
With their original driver back behind the wheel, the group leave Torquay heading back to their Heathrow hotel. Oh, with a couple of little stops on the way in Bath and Oxford just to fill in the time. - Day 8
The Germans head off back to Germany after a nice, relaxing, restful and peaceful holiday.
The Germans don’t like to waste a minute of their time in the West Country. Drivers on this work have told me that when they’ve left places like Lanhydrock at 1700hrs, on the way back to Torquay, they’ve included a sightseeing tour of Plymouth. When coming back from North Cornwall, drivers have cut across country returning via a sightseeing tour of Dartmoor. This is what the Germans call a short cut.
Conclusion
This sort of schedule must take some stamina and in comparison to many English coach passengers that I’ve seen in Torbay, the Germans I see getting off coaches hereabouts look like a pretty healthy lot. They appear to be the same sort of age as English coach passengers, but they just look much fitter. The yardstick I used here was the failure of their driver to open the side locker when they got back to the hotel. Why? Because no one on the German coach was using a walking stick, was relying on a zimmer frame, a walker or a wheelchair. Sometimes, English coaches look more like ambulances carrying the walking wounded from a disaster zone. The apparent healthy condition of the Germans must mean there is something in the ‘bratwurst’ (sausage) or the schnitzel they eat or their health care system looks after them better than our NHS cares for us. One figure I saw suggested that while we spent 8.5% of GDP on health, the Germans spent 11%. It would be reasonable to assume that means hip and knee replacements are done quicker so when they retire, the Germans can spend more time on coach holidays to the UK.
Finally, at the end of their long day, when they get back to the hotel, unlike the English, the Germans seem capable of getting off their coach and going straight into the dining room to eat without having a snooze or a wash and brush up. Mind you, once they’ve eaten, I’m told that most of them decide that a good night’s rest is advisable given the early start and the long day that faces them in the following day.
Phew. Though slightly exaggerated in places, the comparison between the two groups of coach passengers from the two countries that I see in Torbay is stark. To be fair though, the drivers I’ve met doing this work speak well of the German groups they look after. They learn quickly that the Germans are very punctual and well organised, that they take a considerable interest in the history of the UK, that they don’t want to waste a minute while they are here and that they like good service. If they get it, they show their appreciation in a generous manner, usually following the advice of the ‘gruppenfurher.’
If you’re a driver and you like to get about a lot and just love spending most of the hours that the EU sends you driving, then the Germans are for you. If on the other hand, you can’t resist the temptation to start the day with a few old jokes, a bit of karaoke and a game of hunt the passenger, then you might just be happier sticking with the full English. Auf wiedersehen!
[/wlm_ismember]
